Betrayal trauma: why an affair can hurt like trauma, and how to start healing
When people come to see me after discovering an affair, they often start by apologising. They feel they should be coping better by now. Friends have told them to move on, or that at least they know the truth. Yet months later they still can't sleep, can't concentrate and can't stop checking.
If that sounds familiar, there's a reason it feels this bad. What you're going through has a name: betrayal trauma.
What is betrayal trauma?
Betrayal trauma is what happens when someone you depend on for love and safety is the person who hurts you. Most often that's a partner who has had an affair or kept a secret life, but it can also be a parent, a close friend or another family member.
What makes it so painful is that the person who caused the hurt is also the person you would normally turn to for comfort. Your brain is left trying to treat the same person as both a source of safety and a threat, and it can't settle.
Common signs of betrayal trauma
Replaying the moment you found out, over and over
Intrusive images or thoughts about the affair
Feeling on edge, jumpy or unable to relax
Checking phones, bank statements or locations
Swinging between anger, numbness and a desperate need to feel close
Struggling to sleep, eat or concentrate
Doubting your own judgement ("how did I not see it?")
Feeling ashamed, even though you did nothing wrong
Many of these overlap with the symptoms of post-traumatic stress. That isn't an exaggeration. For a lot of people, discovering a betrayal really is a traumatic event.
Why does it hit some people so hard?
Betrayal often lands on top of older experiences. If you grew up with a parent who was unpredictable, absent or dishonest, or you've been badly let down before, an affair can reopen all of that. The reaction can feel out of proportion to what's happening now because it's carrying the weight of the past as well.
This is where attachment comes in. Our early relationships teach us whether people can be relied on. When those lessons were painful, a betrayal in adult life can seem to confirm the worst fears: that you're not enough, that people leave, that you can't trust anyone.
That doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It means the betrayal has touched something that was already sore. Sometimes it also explains why it's so hard to walk away from someone who has hurt you, which I've written about in Can EMDR help a trauma bond?
What helps with betrayal trauma?
Talking to friends can help you feel less alone, but it often doesn't stop the flashbacks, the checking or the physical panic. That's because trauma is held in the body and the nervous system as much as in your thoughts.
Trauma-focused therapy works directly with that. In my work I use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), which helps the brain process painful memories so they stop feeling as if they're happening now. I've written about this in more detail on my specialist EMDR website, Accelerate EMDR, including how EMDR helps with betrayal trauma after affairs and divorce and what to do when you can't stop picturing the affair.
Therapy can also help you:
understand why the betrayal has affected you so deeply
work on older wounds that the betrayal has reopened
rebuild trust in your own judgement
make decisions about the relationship from a calmer place
Do I have to decide whether to stay or leave?
No. Individual therapy for betrayal trauma is about your own recovery, whatever happens to the relationship. Some people go on to rebuild with their partner, some separate, and some aren't sure yet. All of those are fine places to start from.
If you and your partner both want to work on the relationship together, our relationship therapy service may also help, alongside or after your own work.
Getting support
I'm Jodie Slee, a psychotherapist and EMDR therapist with over 17 years' experience. I work with trauma, complex trauma, attachment trauma and the aftermath of betrayal and abuse. I see clients in person in Leeds and online across the UK.
If you'd like to talk about whether therapy could help, you can book a session or get in touch.
If you're struggling to cope, please speak to your GP as well. If you're in crisis, you can call Samaritans any time on 116 123.
