Is It Porn Addiction? Signs of Compulsive Sexual Behaviour and When to Get Help

In short: if you keep using porn or other sexual behaviour in ways you've decided to stop, and it's causing you distress or harming your work, relationships or self-respect, it may be compulsive sexual behaviour (often called porn addiction or sex addiction). It's more common than people realise, it isn't a moral failing, and it responds well to specialist therapy.

Many people who come to see us have searched this question late at night, more than once, before they ever get in touch. They've usually promised themselves many times that they'll stop. Often nobody else knows. Sometimes a partner has just found out.

If that sounds familiar, this post is for you.

Porn addiction, sex addiction or compulsive sexual behaviour?

People use different words. Some say porn addiction or sex addiction. Clinicians often say compulsive sexual behaviour, and the World Health Organization recognises compulsive sexual behaviour disorder in its international classification of diseases.

The label matters less than what's happening for you. The question isn't how much porn is "too much". It's whether you feel in control of it, and what it's costing you.

Common signs

You might recognise some of these:

• you've tried to stop or cut down, more than once, and keep going back

• you use porn or sexual behaviour to cope with stress, loneliness, boredom, anxiety or low mood

• it takes up more time than you intend, sometimes hours

• you need more extreme or novel content to get the same effect

• you feel shame, guilt or disgust afterwards, which then feeds the urge to use again

• it's affecting your sleep, work, finances or relationships

• you hide it, lie about it, or keep a secret life

• sex with a partner feels less interesting, or you have difficulty with arousal or erections with a partner

• the behaviour has moved beyond porn, into webcams, chat sites, apps, paying for sex or affairs

You don't need to tick every box. If the behaviour feels out of your control and is causing you distress, that's reason enough to get support.

Why does it happen?

Compulsive sexual behaviour is rarely just about sex. For most people it works, at least at first, as a way of managing feelings. It gives quick relief, distraction or comfort, and that's what makes it so hard to give up.

Things that often sit underneath include:

• stress, anxiety or depression

• loneliness or disconnection, including within a relationship

• difficulty identifying or expressing emotions

• childhood emotional neglect, inconsistent care or attachment difficulties

• trauma, including sexual trauma

• early exposure to porn, or growing up with shame around sex

Over time, a cycle builds: a trigger, the urge, acting on it, brief relief, then shame. The shame becomes another painful feeling to escape, and the cycle starts again.

Why willpower alone rarely works

Most people we see have tried hard to stop on their own: deleting apps, installing blockers, making promises. These steps can help, but on their own they often don't last. That isn't because you're weak. It's because they deal with access, not with the feelings and needs the behaviour has been meeting.

Lasting change usually comes from understanding why the behaviour took hold, and finding other ways to meet those needs.

How therapy helps

Therapy for compulsive sexual behaviour is confidential and non-judgemental. It usually involves:

• Understanding your pattern. We map out your triggers, high-risk times and the cycle you get caught in.

• Reducing shame. Shame keeps the cycle going. Talking openly, often for the first time, is a big part of change.

• Practical strategies. Ways to manage urges, plan for difficult moments and set boundaries that make sense for you.

• Working with what's underneath. Stress, loneliness, past experiences or trauma that the behaviour has been helping you cope with.

• Rebuilding intimacy. For people in relationships, finding a way back to connection and a sexual relationship that feels good.

The goal isn't necessarily to never watch porn again. It's to feel back in control, in a way that fits your values and your relationship.

If your partner has found out

Discovery is often a crisis for both people. The partner who found out may be dealing with shock, betrayal and a flood of questions. The person whose behaviour has come to light may be overwhelmed with shame and fear of losing the relationship.

Both of you deserve support. Individual therapy can help the person with the behaviour understand and change it. Partners can benefit from support of their own, as discovering a hidden sexual behaviour can feel like a betrayal trauma, which we've written about in Betrayal trauma: why an affair can hurt like trauma. When you're both ready, relationship therapy can help you decide what happens next and rebuild trust if you choose to stay together.

When to get help

It's worth reaching out if:

• you've tried to stop and can't

• the behaviour is affecting your relationship, work or mental health

• you're spending money you can't afford

• you feel ashamed, low or hopeless about it

• your partner has found out and you don't know where to start

You don't have to wait until things reach a crisis point.

Getting support

Julie Marshall is a psychosexual and relationship therapist who specialises in compulsive sexual behaviour. She works with individuals and couples in Doncaster and online across the UK, and Jodie Slee also sees clients in Leeds.

You can read more about our porn addiction and compulsive sexual behaviour therapy, or book a session. Everything you share is confidential, and you don't need to have the right words before you get in touch.

If you're feeling low or struggling to cope, please speak to your GP. If you're in crisis, you can call Samaritans any time on 116 123.

Can your relationship survive an affair?

Yes, many relationships do. Discovering an affair is one of the most painful things a couple can go through, but it doesn't have to mean the end. Some couples find a way to rebuild trust, and some go on to a more honest relationship than before. Recovery usually takes time, honesty and commitment from both partners, and support from a couples therapist often helps. For other couples, the healthiest outcome is to separate well, and that's a valid result too.

Why an affair hurts so much

For the partner who has been betrayed, discovering an affair can feel like the ground has disappeared. It's common to experience:

• shock, disbelief and intense anger

• intrusive images and replaying what happened

• difficulty sleeping, eating or concentrating

• constantly checking phones, emails or whereabouts

• questioning everything: the past, the relationship, yourself

These reactions can be so strong because an affair often affects us like a trauma. The person who was meant to be your safe place has become the source of the pain. You can read more about this in our post on betrayal trauma.

For the partner who had the affair, there's often guilt, shame, defensiveness, and sometimes confusion about why it happened. Both experiences are real, and both need space in recovery.

What makes recovery possible?

There's no formula, but couples who rebuild after an affair often share some things:

The affair has ended. Recovery rarely works while the affair is still going on, even in the background.

The partner who had the affair takes responsibility. That means acknowledging the hurt without minimising it, blaming, or rushing their partner to "move on".

There's honesty, at a pace that can be managed. The hurt partner often has many questions. Answering them honestly matters, and a therapist can help you work out which details help healing and which may cause more harm.

Both partners are willing to look at the relationship. An affair is always the responsibility of the person who chose it. Recovery usually also involves understanding what was happening between you beforehand, without that becoming an excuse.

There's patience. Trust is rebuilt through consistent actions over time, not one conversation.

The stages of recovering after an affair

Every couple is different, but recovery often moves through three broad stages:

1. Crisis and stabilisation

The early weeks or months after discovery are often chaotic. Emotions are intense and unpredictable. The focus here is on getting through each day, ending the affair, reducing harm and finding some calm. Big decisions are usually best left until later.

2. Understanding

Once things feel a little steadier, couples can start exploring what happened and why: the circumstances, the relationship, and each person's history. This isn't about blame. It's about making sense of things so they're less likely to happen again.

3. Rebuilding or separating

In the final stage, couples decide what comes next. For some, that means rebuilding: new agreements, renewed intimacy, and a relationship that feels more honest. For others, it means separating with as much care and respect as possible. Both can be healthy outcomes.

Should we try couples therapy after an affair?

Couples therapy can help you:

• slow down and stay out of destructive arguments

• have the painful conversations in a safe, structured space

• understand what led to the affair, without excuses or blame

• rebuild trust through clear, agreed steps

• decide, with clarity rather than panic, whether to stay together

You don't need to have decided whether to stay together before starting therapy. Many couples come precisely because they don't know.

Can I come on my own? Yes. If your partner isn't ready, individual sessions can still help you cope with the shock, understand your feelings, and think about what you want.

When the hurt feels like trauma

For some betrayed partners, the effects of discovery go beyond grief and anger. Intrusive images, flashbacks, panic, and a constant sense of threat can carry on long after the initial shock.

In these situations, EMDR therapy can help alongside couples work. EMDR helps the brain process the distressing memories and images so they no longer feel so overwhelming. Jodie, our founder, is an experienced EMDR therapist who works specifically with betrayal trauma. You can read more in Can EMDR help a trauma bond? or on Jodie's specialist site, Accelerate EMDR.

Frequently asked questions

How long does it take to recover from an affair?

It varies widely. Many couples find it takes months, and sometimes a year or more, to feel steady again. Progress is rarely a straight line, and difficult days are normal even when things are improving.

Should the betrayed partner know every detail?

Not necessarily. Honest answers are important, but some details, especially graphic ones, can make intrusive images worse. A therapist can help you both find a balance.

Can a relationship be better after an affair?

Some couples say yes. Working through an affair can lead to more honest communication and a deeper understanding of each other. That doesn't make the affair worthwhile, but it shows that a meaningful future is possible.

What if one of us wants to stay and the other doesn't?

This is common. Therapy can give you both space to explore your feelings without pressure, and help you reach a decision that feels considered, whatever it is.

Getting support

If you're facing the aftermath of an affair, you don't have to work it out alone.

At Sensate Therapy, Jodie Slee sees couples and individuals at The Tower Clinic in Cookridge, Leeds, and Julie Marshall sees clients in Doncaster. We both offer secure online sessions across the UK.

Get in touch to arrange an initial consultation, together or on your own.

Read more: Relationship therapy and couples counselling · Betrayal trauma · Fees

Sensate Therapy offers relationship therapy, couples counselling, sex therapy and EMDR trauma therapy in Leeds, Doncaster and online.

Vaginismus: Why It Happens and How Psychosexual Therapy Can Help

Many people who come to see us about vaginismus have been living with it quietly for years. Some have never been able to use a tampon. Some dread smear tests. Some have been in loving relationships for a long time but have never managed penetrative sex, or found it became painful after a period when it used to be fine.

Very often they've been told to "just relax", or to have a glass of wine. If it were that simple, they would have done it already.

Vaginismus is common, it's nobody's fault, and it responds very well to the right support.

What is vaginismus?

Vaginismus is when the muscles around the entrance to the vagina tighten automatically when something is about to go in, whether that's a penis, a finger, a tampon or a speculum. The tightening happens without you choosing it, which is why trying harder rarely helps.

It can feel like:

• hitting a wall, or as if there's "no way in"

• burning, stinging or sharp pain on attempted penetration

• tensing up, holding your breath or pulling away, sometimes before anything has even happened

• strong anxiety or panic at the thought of penetration

Some people have had vaginismus for as long as they can remember (sometimes called primary vaginismus). Others develop it later, after years of comfortable sex (secondary vaginismus), often following childbirth, a painful infection, menopause, a difficult medical examination or a stressful time in life.

Vaginismus is now often described clinically as genito-pelvic pain/penetration disorder. The name matters less than knowing that what you're experiencing is recognised and treatable.

It isn't "all in your head"

The muscle response is real and physical. But it's driven by the body's protective system. When the body expects pain or threat, it braces. If penetration has hurt before, the body learns to anticipate pain, tenses to protect itself, which makes penetration more painful, which confirms the fear. This fear–tension–pain cycle is at the centre of most vaginismus.

Things that can feed into it include:

• a painful first experience, or a painful medical examination

• anxiety, or a general tendency to feel on edge

• messages growing up that sex was shameful, dangerous or wrong

• not having been given accurate information about your body

• sexual trauma or other unwanted experiences

• relationship pressure, or feeling that sex is an obligation

For some people there's a clear reason. For others there isn't one obvious cause, and that's fine too. You don't need to know why it started in order to change it.

See your GP first

Before starting therapy, it's worth seeing your GP or a sexual health clinic to rule out physical causes of pain, such as infections, skin conditions, vulvodynia or hormonal changes. If an examination feels too difficult, you can say so. You're entitled to ask for time, to stop at any point, or to discuss things before anything physical happens.

How psychosexual therapy helps

Psychosexual therapy is a talking therapy. Nothing physical happens in the session, and you won't be asked to undress. The work takes place through conversation, with gentle exercises you choose to try in your own time at home.

Therapy for vaginismus usually includes:

• Understanding your body. Learning how the pelvic floor works and why it responds the way it does often takes a lot of fear and shame out of the situation.

• Working with anxiety. Breathing, relaxation and grounding techniques help calm the body's alarm response.

• Exploring what's underneath. This could be past experiences, beliefs about sex, or the pressure you've been carrying.

• A gradual, step-by-step approach. At a pace you control, this may include self-touch and, if you want to, the use of vaginal trainers (dilators) in graded sizes. You're always in charge of whether and when to move to the next step.

• Sensate focus. For couples, structured touch exercises help take the pressure off penetration and rebuild intimacy that feels safe and enjoyable.

Where it helps, therapy can work alongside pelvic health physiotherapy.

What about my partner?

You can come on your own or as a couple. Many partners feel helpless, guilty or worried that they're causing pain, and some couples have stopped being physically close at all to avoid the issue. Bringing a partner into some sessions can ease that pressure and help you find ways of being intimate that don't all hinge on penetration. If the difficulty has started to affect the relationship more widely, our relationship therapy may also help.

Is this you?

If penetration is painful, frightening or impossible, and it's been affecting your confidence, your relationship or your health care, you don't have to keep managing it alone. Vaginismus is one of the most treatable sexual difficulties, and many people go on to enjoy comfortable sex, use tampons and have smear tests without fear.

We offer psychosexual therapy for individuals and couples in Leeds, Doncaster and online throughout the UK. You can read more on our sexual conditions page, or book an initial consultation. You don't need to have it all figured out before you get in touch.

Betrayal trauma: why an affair can hurt like trauma, and how to start healing

When people come to see me after discovering an affair, they often start by apologising. They feel they should be coping better by now. Friends have told them to move on, or that at least they know the truth. Yet months later they still can't sleep, can't concentrate and can't stop checking.

If that sounds familiar, there's a reason it feels this bad. What you're going through has a name: betrayal trauma.

What is betrayal trauma?

Betrayal trauma is what happens when someone you depend on for love and safety is the person who hurts you. Most often that's a partner who has had an affair or kept a secret life, but it can also be a parent, a close friend or another family member.

What makes it so painful is that the person who caused the hurt is also the person you would normally turn to for comfort. Your brain is left trying to treat the same person as both a source of safety and a threat, and it can't settle.

Common signs of betrayal trauma

• Replaying the moment you found out, over and over

• Intrusive images or thoughts about the affair

• Feeling on edge, jumpy or unable to relax

• Checking phones, bank statements or locations

• Swinging between anger, numbness and a desperate need to feel close

• Struggling to sleep, eat or concentrate

• Doubting your own judgement ("how did I not see it?")

• Feeling ashamed, even though you did nothing wrong

Many of these overlap with the symptoms of post-traumatic stress. That isn't an exaggeration. For a lot of people, discovering a betrayal really is a traumatic event.

Why does it hit some people so hard?

Betrayal often lands on top of older experiences. If you grew up with a parent who was unpredictable, absent or dishonest, or you've been badly let down before, an affair can reopen all of that. The reaction can feel out of proportion to what's happening now because it's carrying the weight of the past as well.

This is where attachment comes in. Our early relationships teach us whether people can be relied on. When those lessons were painful, a betrayal in adult life can seem to confirm the worst fears: that you're not enough, that people leave, that you can't trust anyone.

That doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It means the betrayal has touched something that was already sore. Sometimes it also explains why it's so hard to walk away from someone who has hurt you, which I've written about in Can EMDR help a trauma bond?

What helps with betrayal trauma?

Talking to friends can help you feel less alone, but it often doesn't stop the flashbacks, the checking or the physical panic. That's because trauma is held in the body and the nervous system as much as in your thoughts.

Trauma-focused therapy works directly with that. In my work I use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), which helps the brain process painful memories so they stop feeling as if they're happening now. I've written about this in more detail on my specialist EMDR website, Accelerate EMDR, including how EMDR helps with betrayal trauma after affairs and divorce and what to do when you can't stop picturing the affair.

Therapy can also help you:

• understand why the betrayal has affected you so deeply

• work on older wounds that the betrayal has reopened

• rebuild trust in your own judgement

• make decisions about the relationship from a calmer place

Do I have to decide whether to stay or leave?

No. Individual therapy for betrayal trauma is about your own recovery, whatever happens to the relationship. Some people go on to rebuild with their partner, some separate, and some aren't sure yet. All of those are fine places to start from.

If you and your partner both want to work on the relationship together, our relationship therapy service may also help, alongside or after your own work.

Getting support

I'm Jodie Slee, a psychotherapist and EMDR therapist with over 17 years' experience. I work with trauma, complex trauma, attachment trauma and the aftermath of betrayal and abuse. I see clients in person in Leeds and online across the UK.

If you'd like to talk about whether therapy could help, you can book a session or get in touch.

If you're struggling to cope, please speak to your GP as well. If you're in crisis, you can call Samaritans any time on 116 123.

Mismatched Sex Drives: What to Do When You and Your Partner Want Different Amounts of Sex

If you and your partner want sex at noticeably different frequencies, that’s more common than you’d think. Desire discrepancy is one of the most frequent reasons couples come to see us, and it’s rarely a sign that something is fundamentally wrong with either person or the relationship. It’s a gap to work with, not something to diagnose.

That doesn’t make it easier to live with, though. Whichever side of it you’re on, it tends to come with a story attached. Maybe it’s they don’t find me attractive anymore, or something’s wrong with me, or why do they always want more than I can give. Those stories usually cause more damage than the mismatch itself does.

Why Desire Discrepancy Happens

Desire isn’t fixed, and it doesn’t work the same way for everyone. It helps to know there are two broad patterns: spontaneous desire, wanting sex out of nowhere before anything’s happened, and responsive desire, which tends to show up after arousal has already started, once you’re relaxed, connected, or being touched. Neither is more normal than the other, but a lot of couples don’t realise they’ve been waiting for two different starting points the whole time.

Desire is also shaped by stress, sleep, hormones, body image, past experiences, how safe or resentful you feel in the relationship, and by whatever stage of life you’re in. A new baby, a demanding job, chronic illness, menopause, or just years of routine can all shift things. None of that means either partner has done something wrong.

It Isn’t About Who’s Right

Couples often bring a belief into the room that there’s a correct amount of sex to want, and whoever wants less must be withholding while whoever wants more must be pressuring. In practice, both positions can feel awful. The partner with lower desire often feels chased, guilty and touched out. The partner with higher desire often feels rejected and afraid to initiate. Neither experience cancels the other one out.

The Cycle Mismatched Desire Creates

Left alone, this gap tends to build its own momentum. The higher-desire partner initiates, gets turned down, and starts initiating less openly, or pushes harder instead. The lower-desire partner feels the pressure building and begins to associate intimacy with obligation rather than connection, so they pull back further. Eventually both partners stop initiating altogether, sex becomes something tense rather than enjoyable, and the avoidance itself ends up being the bigger problem, often more so than the original difference in desire ever was.

What Actually Helps

Closing a desire gap doesn’t come from one partner trying harder or the other agreeing to more sex out of guilt. What tends to help instead:

• Understanding which pattern of desire you each tend to experience, so you’re not measuring yourselves against a starting point that was never accurate for either of you

• Talking about sex outside the bedroom, away from the pressure of an actual moment, so the conversation stops feeling like a negotiation

• Separating your sense of self-worth from how often you have sex. Low desire doesn’t mean unloved, and wanting more doesn’t mean shallow

• Rebuilding non-sexual touch and connection, which is often what responsive desire needs before it shows up at all

• Getting support before resentment sets in, rather than after years of avoidance have already built up

This is the kind of work Psychosexual Therapy for couples is built for. Not to push either partner toward some correct amount of sex, but to help you understand what’s actually driving the gap and find a version of intimacy that works for both of you. Because this so often sits alongside how a couple communicates more generally, it tends to overlap with Relationship Therapy too.

Is This You?

If sex has turned into something you negotiate, avoid or quietly resent rather than enjoy, that isn’t a sign your relationship is failing. It’s a sign the gap needs some attention before it widens further. We work with couples and individuals across Leeds, Doncaster and online throughout the UK, and you don’t need to have it all figured out before you get in touch to arrange an initial consultation.

Can EMDR Help a Trauma Bond? | EMDR Therapy for Relationship Trauma

Can EMDR Therapy Help Break a Trauma Bond?

Leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship is often far more complex than people realise. Friends and family may wonder why someone stays, returns repeatedly, or struggles to move on even after recognising that the relationship was harmful.

One explanation for this can be a trauma bond.

Many people feel confused, ashamed or frustrated by the strength of their attachment to someone who has caused them pain. They may understand intellectually that the relationship was damaging, yet still find themselves longing for the person, replaying memories, questioning their decisions or feeling unable to let go.

This is where EMDR Therapy can play an important role in recovery.

What is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment that develops within a relationship characterised by cycles of harm and reward.

Trauma bonds are commonly associated with:

• Domestic abuse

• Coercive control

• Narcissistic abuse

• Emotionally abusive relationships

• Relationships involving manipulation or exploitation

• Intermittent reinforcement and unpredictable affection

In these relationships, periods of affection, connection or reconciliation are often interspersed with periods of criticism, rejection, control, neglect or abuse.

Over time, the nervous system can become conditioned to these cycles, creating a powerful emotional attachment that can be difficult to break, even when the relationship is causing significant distress.

Why Is It So Difficult to Let Go?

People often assume that if a relationship is harmful, leaving should be straightforward.

However, trauma bonds are not simply maintained by conscious choice. They are often reinforced through emotional dependency, attachment wounds, fear, hope and nervous system responses that operate beneath conscious awareness.

Many individuals experiencing a trauma bond report:

• Obsessive thinking about the relationship

• Strong cravings for contact

• Difficulty maintaining no contact

• Intense feelings of guilt or responsibility

• Self-doubt and confusion

• Anxiety when separated from the person

• Longing for the "good times"

• Difficulty trusting their own judgement

These reactions can feel deeply frustrating, particularly when a person knows the relationship was unhealthy.

Trauma Bonds and Attachment Trauma

Trauma bonds are often linked to earlier attachment experiences.

Individuals who have experienced childhood trauma, emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving or previous abusive relationships may be particularly vulnerable to becoming trapped in unhealthy relational patterns.

This does not mean that trauma causes people to choose abusive relationships. Rather, earlier experiences can influence how safety, connection, rejection and emotional closeness are experienced within adult relationships.

When a trauma bond develops, the relationship may activate old attachment wounds alongside present-day experiences.

How EMDR Therapy Can Help

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) is an evidence-based therapy originally developed to treat trauma and PTSD. It is increasingly used to help individuals recover from relationship trauma, attachment wounds and the psychological impact of abusive relationships.

Many people struggling with a trauma bond describe a disconnect between what they know logically and what they feel emotionally.

For example:

"I know the relationship was harmful, but part of me still wants them back."

EMDR helps bridge this gap by processing the memories, beliefs and emotional experiences that continue to keep the nervous system stuck.

Rather than focusing solely on the relationship itself, EMDR may help address:

• Traumatic memories from the relationship

• Emotional abuse and coercive control

• Feelings of rejection and abandonment

• Chronic self-blame

• Shame and low self-worth

• Earlier attachment trauma

• Negative beliefs such as:

  • "I'm not enough"

  • "I am unlovable"

  • "I need them to feel okay"

  • "I can't cope on my own"

As these experiences are processed, many clients report that the emotional intensity of the bond begins to lessen.

Recovery Is About More Than Forgetting

Breaking a trauma bond is not simply about forgetting a person or forcing yourself to move on.

Recovery often involves:

• Understanding the dynamics of the relationship

• Rebuilding trust in yourself

• Processing traumatic experiences

• Strengthening boundaries

• Developing self-compassion

• Learning to recognise healthy relationships

• Creating a sense of safety within yourself

EMDR can support this process by helping the brain and nervous system process experiences that may still feel emotionally unresolved.

Seeking Support

If you find yourself repeatedly drawn back to a harmful relationship, struggling to move on after leaving, or feeling trapped by an attachment that no longer serves you, you are not alone.

Trauma bonds can be powerful, but they can also be understood and healed.

At Sensate Therapy, we provide specialist Trauma Therapy and EMDR Therapy for individuals recovering from domestic abuse, coercive control, relationship trauma, attachment difficulties and the lasting effects of traumatic relationships.

EMDR Therapy in Leeds and Online

We offer EMDR Therapy in Leeds and online throughout the UK for individuals affected by trauma bonds, relationship trauma, domestic abuse, coercive control and attachment difficulties.

If you would like to explore whether EMDR Therapy may help, please get in touch to arrange an initial consultation.