This post talks about sexual trauma. If you need support right now, the Rape Crisis 24/7 Support Line is free on 0808 500 2222, and Samaritans are available any time on 116 123.
After sexual trauma, many people find that sex and closeness feel complicated. You might want intimacy and still feel frightened, numb or overwhelmed by it. You might avoid sex altogether, or go along with it while feeling far away. Some people notice no change for years, and then something shifts.
Whatever you're experiencing, it makes sense. These are common, understandable responses to something that overwhelmed you. They are not a sign that you're broken, and they can change.
How sexual trauma can affect sex and intimacy
Trauma affects the nervous system as well as the mind. Your body learned that a certain situation wasn't safe, and it may still react as if the danger is happening now, even with a loving partner. You might notice:
Freezing, tensing or "leaving your body" (dissociation) during sex
Panic, tearfulness or sudden anger triggered by a touch, a smell or a position
Low desire, or no interest in sex at all
Pain during sex, or tightness that makes penetration difficult. Our post on vaginismus explains one way this can show up
Difficulty with arousal or erections
Shame or self-blame about your body, your responses or what happened
Going along with sex you don't want, because saying no feels impossible
Using sex in ways that feel compulsive or out of your control
People of all genders and sexualities experience sexual trauma, and it can happen within relationships as well as outside them. There is no "right" way to react.
Why it's not "just in your head"
It's common to feel frustrated with yourself: "It happened years ago, I should be over it." But your body's protective responses aren't something you can simply decide to switch off. They developed to keep you safe. Healing usually means helping your nervous system learn that it's safe now, gently and at your own pace, rather than pushing through.
If you're in a relationship
Sexual trauma can affect both partners. Your partner may feel confused, rejected or afraid of hurting you. You may feel guilty or under pressure. Things that often help:
Talking about it outside the bedroom, when you're both calm
Agreeing that either of you can stop at any time, for any reason, with no sulking or explanation needed
Taking sex "off the table" for a while, so you can rebuild touch and closeness without pressure
Finding a signal you can use if you start to feel overwhelmed
Focusing on what feels good and safe, rather than on what you "should" be doing
You don't have to share details of what happened with your partner unless you want to.
How trauma-informed sex therapy can help
Sex therapy (psychosexual therapy) is a talking therapy. It gives you a safe, confidential space to understand what's happening and why, and to rebuild a relationship with your body and with intimacy at a pace that feels right for you.
In trauma-informed sex therapy, we:
go at your pace, and never ask you to talk about more than you're ready to
help you understand your body's responses without judgement
work on grounding and feeling safe in your body
if and when you want to, suggest gentle steps you can try at home, alone or with a partner
You will never be asked to undertake a sexual task in session. You can come on your own or with a partner. Read what happens in psychosexual therapy if you're nervous about starting.
Some people also find it helpful to process the trauma memories themselves. Jodie offers EMDR therapy, a trauma therapy that helps distressing memories lose their intensity, through her specialist practice, Accelerate EMDR. Trauma processing and sex therapy can work well alongside each other.
Getting support
At Sensate Therapy we offer trauma-informed sex therapy and psychosexual therapy for individuals and couples in Leeds, Doncaster and online across the UK. You can meet our therapists, see our fees or get in touch to arrange an initial consultation.
Other support:
Rape Crisis England & Wales: 24/7 Support Line 0808 500 2222
Survivors UK: support for men and non-binary people who have experienced sexual violence
Samaritans: 116 123, any time
If you're in immediate danger, call 999
